i want life in every word

i am finally returning to lj

2006-07-07T09:41:30Z

i am in need of some soul searching and deep thinking.
there needs to be tears involved.
as much as i want to put it off... i need to shed them.

this saturday will mark 2 years.
i cannot think about it right now.
there is so much i want to say, but don't know how.
there are so many things i want to remember, but not sure i can handle the pain.

i don't know where to start.

i requested this weekend off work. however i don't really have any plans. i just want to make sure that i make time to cry and release things that i have not let out in far too long. i might go back down to san diego on saturday to see my cousin and aunt and uncle.

i want a relaxing, peaceful weekend. i want to send her some balloons with notes attached. i wanted to do a 24 hr relay for life cancer walk that's going on in burbank this weekend, but my brother and i never signed up. i need to get rent tickets.

amanda dear, know that you are definitely going to be on my mind and in my heart this weekend. <3 we'll be in pain together, but far apart.

anyone feel like shedding tears with me this weekend?

ahhhhhh!!!

2006-06-10T04:22:02Z

who wants to go see RENT at the pantages theatre!?!?!?

i HAVE to go!!! have to have to!!

it will be here from july 18 - 23... that's not too long. so i want to get tickets soon!!! it can't sell out without me getting tickets! come on... if you liked the movie you'll LOOOOOVE the play! let's go and laugh and cry and remember my mommy! :]

in other news, my baby cousin was born june 1st. and i get to go visit him for the first time tomorrow! i'm very excited for that. my uncle emailed me a picture of him and he is precious! i have a feeling i'm going to fall in love with him right away.

montana was nice as well. my trip was too short, but i'm glad i was able to make it up there. i almost cried at my cousin's graduation. and i got to visit my mom and it was so nice. i sat there for probably 20-30 minutes just thinking/talking to her, crying, staring, and taking in the scenery. it was nice. i miss it there already.

sickboysgurl55 @ 2006-05-26T21:01:00

2006-05-27T04:17:24Z

i've been totally m.i.a. lately.
sorry.
work and school and frustration with things.
i've lost the capability to understand my own thoughts anymore.
my cousin left and i miss him being around.
i want my baby cousin to come into this world so i can love him and take care of him.
i'm doing the worst i have ever ever done in school... ever.
i leave for montana in less than a week now and i cannot wait.
i have a strong feeling i will not want to come back.
i love montana.
i am excited to spend time with my cousins and i want to get to know them better.
i should be able to visit my mom and i can't wait to take her flowers and share the gorgeous views with her again.
i haven't been thinking about her much lately. not truely, deeply thinking about her. which makes me feel guilty.
then today at work. thoughts came rushing to me. and i started crying and no one knew why. i just can't seem to explain it to people. i want to, but i'm incapable.

i'm ending my rambling. time to get more sleep.

there is so much i need to do.

this song is soothing

2006-05-08T02:56:23Z

i am stressed at the moment.
super super stressed.
too much on my mind. way too much.

i need to be doing better in school. but i'm just not. i don't know what is going on with me this semester. i have a couple possible ideas... but i dont know. but this semester is so unlike me

i want a shoulder to cry on.
and i want that shoulder to get in my head and know what's going on in there. so i dont have to try to explain it.

but for now i will get ready for bed. yes, at 7:50 at night. tomorrow = 4th morning opening in a row. morning is becoming my friend. who would have ever thought.

p.s. i saw my brother today and i love him and miss being able to see him more than just once a week.

sickboysgurl55 @ 2006-04-28T12:47:00

2006-04-28T19:50:08Z

i just registered for the Revoln Run/Walk on May 13.

anyone feel like donating any money? it all goes to helping women's cancers.

i feel good.

good idea kristin.

i am excited for it.

this is for yesterday

2006-04-25T02:22:45Z

happy 20th birthday to monica!

now only 1 more year to go until we can go out drinking in public together... in the u.s. that is. =)

this is a day late birthday love message to you monica. i love you i love you i love you and i meant every word i said in the comment i left you!

i am sorry that you did not have a good b-day day. or weekend for that matter. i'm sorry that what you were planning on happening could not happen. and im sorry that i was not able to throw you as amazing of a birthday dinner that you did for me. =/ i am thinking of a way to make it up to you. <33

i hope that you did something fun with the parents and had a good day in one way or another. i love you monica.

time to get things off my chest...

2006-04-05T06:51:33Z

i get home from work tonight, and one of the first things my grandma says to me is something about how we don't have most of the channels anymore.

totally perplexed i asked "what?" and she rambled something that confused me even more. so i ignored her and asked my aunt what she meant.

my aunt tells me that she got home from work, and my grandma tells her that she decided to cancel the cable because "she doesn't use it."

what???

i cannot figure out my grandma anymore. she is the one person who i thought had the biggest heart in the world... and lately she has been throwing me curve balls left and right.

now the issue here isn't just that she cancelled the cabled and that we're only left with the boring channels. (although my aunt and i are pretty annoyed by that... but my aunt called and she's getting it back on thursday) but what's driving me crazy is that my grandma wouldn't say anything before hand, and supposedly said that it's because "she doesn't need it." i dont understand when she became so selfish.

AND it's not just the cable.
i haven't really told many people yet... but basically my grandma has informed some of us that she is selling the house.
she isn't even "thinking" about it. it IS going to happen.

my aunt and uncle (the ones that are pregnant) are moving from salt lake city down to carlsbad (near san diego) in a couple of weeks. and they told me grandma that she could move in with them and they would take care of her. ummmmmm.....

this whole fucking situation is SO annoying! I was supposed to move down there (just part time) and help take care of my baby cousin when he's born this summer. I wanted to do it! and now they've invited my grandma to live with them! and now my grandma has made up her mind to sell this house and help them buy a house down in carlsbad by the time the year is over.

i dont want to sound selfish... i'm happy my grandma will be happy... only i'm SO incredibly annoyed by all of this! WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO!?! i do not plan on moving down there with them.... not if my grandma is moving in too. i would be useless... i wouldn't be able to take care of my cousin if she's there.

my aunt is also annoyed... most of us are... but basically my aunt and i are left needing to find a place to move. maybe this is good... this way maybe i can get a place of my own now. i want a place of my own so bad. i miss what i had in italy. but shit....

and what also hurts is knowing that this house won't be in the family anymore. this house is SO important to me! this house is where i spent my last 3 1/2 months with my mom. i took care of her. we cried together. i gave her her meds and so so so much more. it's ridiculous. this is the house she died in! fuck! i don't want some strange family moving in here! it makes me cry just thinking about it. this is our house! this is where we sat and watched ellen and dr.phil on the couch together in the afternoons. this is the backyard were i would take her out in her wheelchair to sit in the sun and get some fresh air and help her work on her walking sticks she loved so much. leaving this house is going to crush what little i have remaining of my heart.

i think one of the most annoying things is that my grandma didn't even ask our opinions about this all. she just told us this is what's happening. and she said it like it's no big deal. like it won't even effect us at all. WRONG.

sickboysgurl55 @ 2006-03-31T23:02:00

2006-04-01T07:36:36Z

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY ONE AND ONLY!

today is my mom's 50th birthday... and her 2nd birthday since she's been gone. i can't believe it's her 2nd birthday already... and that she would be turning the big 5-0. it blows my mind.

most of today wasn't too bad. i worked at 5am, and time actually went by fast and it wasn't a bad shift. it kept my mind off of things for a while (i'm slowly becoming pretty good at that, just avoiding feeling much of anything). then working on a group assignment for a good part of the day kept me pre-occupied. then i came home and things started to settle in...

i have spent the last few hours thinking, and crying, and remembering, and crying, and thinking...

and now i am exhausted. and can't even remember everything that i was wanting to say.

this drains me completely everytime. i wish that i had the energy to type out everything that i am feeling. maybe tomorrow...
i want to spend this weekend hiding and feeling, and thinking, and getting things out that i need to let out.

her second birthday since she's been gone. wow. 2 years ago when she turned 48 a huge group of us got together and celebrated at don cuco. there was fun and laughter and birthday singing and an over-sized sombrero that was placed over her baseball cap which covered her still newly hair-less head. i was attached to her hip the whole night.

we completed each other.

my senior prom, 2003

hawaii, 1999 or 2000

her last birthday we got to spend together, 2004

<3 either easter or my cousin's b-day party, 2004. things were so hard, but look at that genuinely happy smile she has. <3 i treasure this one.
this picture has the power to bring out so much emotion out of me.

the highlight of work today

2006-03-27T01:11:24Z

for those of you who watch "There and Back: Ashley Parker Angel"... you will know what/who i'm talking about...

so today at work, Scarlett, Ashley Parker Angel's mom-in-law to be/Tiffany's mom, came in. (she is sooo pretty in person!)

i made her her drink (mocha ice blended) and all that good stuff. then i had to do a bus run before going on my break. she was sitting on the couch with Lyric (who is ADORABLE with the PRETTIEST blue eyes... like wow!) and he was just chillin there looking like the most comfortable baby in the world. i had to clean up a bunch of stuff on the table in front of them, so i started talking to her, and lyric. and he just stared at me, that blank baby stare, and i kept trying to get him to smile, and she kept saying to him "say hi sweetie" and he eventually did that cute little smile and baby giggle. HE IS SOOOO CUTE!! i wanted to melt. i love babies way more than i should. and they just kept hanging out on the couch and she kept playing those cute little baby games with him and holding him up in the air and it was just so cute. it made me smile.

... then reality set back in and it got busy and customers complained and co-workers weren't the happiest and the annoying one came in and bugged me. oh how moods can sway.

but scarlett and lyric made me happy. :)

sickboysgurl55 @ 2006-03-25T17:00:00

2006-03-26T01:02:52Z

so i really like Jack's Mannequin.

i woke up at 5:45 this morning to go with megan out to The Grove in LA to see Tyler Hilton, Jack's Mannequin, and the cast of one tree hill.

it was long, and tiring. and disappointing that we ran out of time and didn't get to meet people. but it was neat to see jack's and tyler perform.

Andrew from something corporate is in Jack's Mannequin, and i was very excited to see him. when he walked on the stage i was very happy, and a little sad as well. you can tell he's sick and battling cancer. he has "that" look. he has also become super skinny. but you know what, he can still sing like no other. and he made me sooo happy to see that he's doing well and still singing and living life. i am so happy for him.
it was just hard to know that he is/has been suffering from such a horrible disease.

there was more i wanted to say, but i'm losing my mind. and i'm going to be late for work. yuck.

i want to live with passion

2006-03-14T08:05:48Z

i am feeling so empty. and so LOST. i don't even know how to begin to explain it all. the same two things have been running through my head for the past 3 weeks. and it's really driving me crazy. i don't know what to do. i know what i want to do, but i have no one to express it to. no one who i know will stand behind me.

i want to figure things out.
i want to take time off.
i want to get help.
i want to feel better so that eventually, someday, i can have "that" life that i dream of.

but for now i should go and read. i'll say that i'm going to read and study for the tests i have coming up. but i'll probably just end up sitting there, racking my brain until i get so frustrated with myself and everything that i just end up going to sleep.

i want to escape the torture i'm putting myself through.

i'll post more later, but for now...

2006-03-04T10:19:52Z

tonight was amazing.

thank you so much to all of you.

and monica... i cannot believe you planned all that for me. words cannot even describe how much i appreciate it all. you mean so much to me. <3<3 thank you for being such an amazing friend to me.

sickboysgurl55 @ 2006-02-28T16:47:00

2006-03-01T00:48:00Z

birthday's are so fucking overrated.

sickboysgurl55 @ 2006-02-19T00:10:00

2006-02-19T08:12:23Z

i had to say a HAPPY 20 BIRTHDAY to miss katrina veeh!!! (11 mins late)

i'm sorry i couldn't make it to the fun festivities, for once again i was asked to stay late at work. blah. but i hope that fun was had today, and i hope 20 is a good year for you. your last year before becoming a "true" adult. we are all so old!

take it from me we don't give sympathy, you can trust me trust nobody

2006-02-11T05:21:22Z

i started to have a breakdown at the very end of my shift today.

this may be it. i'm finally starting to crack.

or maybe the cracking's already happened, and breaking is about to occur.

i don't like crying at work. and i don't like feeling this way.

tomorrow is the 11th. 2 years is here. just one of the many 2 year marks to hit this year. and that's most likely what i'll be thinking about while i'm at work at 5:30 in the morning tomorrow. alone with my boss. i just hope that all goes well.

i need to get out of here.

i'm going to go to bed. watch what i can of the opening ceramonies of the winter olympics in italy. be sad that i'm not there anymore. and hopefully let some of these tears out.

sickboysgurl55 @ 2006-02-09T01:33:00

2006-02-09T09:34:54Z

Hey guys, it's Meg, Cody's best friend.
Made her a new lovely layout (finally! After a billion years with this old one)
Go check it.
sickboysgurl55
Im actually quite proud of it.

i'm in over my head

2006-02-06T23:39:30Z

so i'm ready for a change again.

there are all these things i want to do... but i can't seem to get one foot out the door to do them.

i need to go back to europe. italy would be great, but at this point i'll go just about anywhere. i don't care about school, i don't want to care about money, i just want to LIVE LIFE AND BE HAPPY! fuck.

i'm going up north to visit my aunt soon. from feb 12 - 16. i am excited. excited to get away from here. to see her. spend time with her and feel like i'm loved and being taken care of again. she is so much like my mom.

i'm going up at a good time, too. february 13 marks 2 years since my mom's surgery. 2 years. brings me to tears. this time 2 years ago she was going through all of her blood tests and cat scans and mri's. we had no idea what lay ahead for her. i was the optimistic one and swore that nothing serious was going to happen...

i went to a few of the appointments with her and on the 11th we found out that she would need surgery to remove the tumor growing on her kidney. this scared her, yet i stayed calm. we still didn't know what it was or if it was even cancer. then 2 days later she had her left kidney and tumor removed. then the journey began...

i really need someone to talk to and have a good cry with. it's been way too long.

sickboysgurl55 @ 2006-01-27T17:46:00

2006-01-28T01:47:07Z

megan makes pretty things.

i am excited for a new layout after having the same one for so many years.

FINALLY!!

2006-01-26T03:41:00Z

i got my internet back today! so happy!

woah... and how weird that the radio that i'm listening to online right now just started playing oasis "wonderwall" just as i'm typing this... crazy.

so it's gonna take me a while to catch up on the lj world... but i'm happy to be back to it. i missed you lj.

but this does mean that i will be posting more often... no more 1 post a month junk. that was ridiculous.

now all i need is a car and i'll feel pretty good.

p.s. megan want to make me pretty icons and make my lj pretty...? =)

sickboysgurl55 @ 2005-12-21T20:25:00

2005-12-22T04:29:54Z

i still don't have my computer.... or a car.

i did get a job though. coffee bean. i'm not sure when i start... but it will be soon.

i've been feeling down in the dumps lately.

i just miss my life. the only thing i really like about being back here is seeing my friends and brother.

but i horribly miss my life in italy. it's getting to the point lately where i just want to cry, it hurts so much. and now christmas is soon here and as much as i want to be happy and be excited about x-mas like i always used to... it's sooooo hard. times like these just remind me how much i miss my mom.

i just want to hop on a plane and go back to florence. i miss my home there. my family. the streets. the sights. everything.

GAHHHHH! I'M SO FRUSTERATED WITH MY LIFE HERE!!

quick update

2005-11-24T15:47:18Z

finals are officially over.
time to breath a sigh of relief now and just try to enjoy the hell out of my last 4 days here.
i can't fucking believe it!!!
i have so many mixed emotions.
i feel like i haven't done nearly all that i've wanted to do and see here. i just don't want to go home and be disappointed in myself for not taking pictures or seeing things i should have.
aye.
well tonight is our farewell dinner so i should get going home to get ready.
plus it's already getting dark out and getting colder and colder by the minute! eee!!

p.s. happy turkey day to those of you back home! there is no such thing here... so it doesn't really feel like thanksgiving here. which, to be honest, i'm kind of liking. that way i don't have to remember how great thanksgiving used to be when my mom was around. it's not the same now anyway, so what's the point?

this trip has made me obsessed with coldplay.

2005-11-21T12:53:14Z

go download "swallowed in the sea" by coldplay. and enjoy. please.

the weather here has taken a TURN! it has gotten SO cold in the matter of 3 days. last night it was 27 DEGREES!!!!! i'm from southern cali... i'm not used to this FREEZING WEATHER!!!

and guess what!?! monica just informed me, and i just checked weather.com...

IT'S SNOWING ON THURSDAY!!! AHHHHH! =)
and sunday supposedly. i hope weather.com is right! i'll flip!
they've been putting up christmas decorations everywhere too. x-mas lights are all over the streets and i can't wait for them to actually light them up! *sigh* this place is so amazing.

there's also supposed to be an ice rink going up next weekend in front of Santa Croce... =) hopefully it will go up... and just in time for us to enjoy it at least once.

man. it's going to be soo cold this week though!

sickboysgurl55 @ 2005-11-20T13:47:00

2005-11-20T12:47:22Z

i have 1 week left here in florence now... it's crazy. i cannot believe how fast these 3 months have passed!

this has been the best experience i've ever had and i can't believe that it's coming to an end. and so fast. this week will be insane and full of so many finals and projects and stress. and on top of that i need to enjoy my final week and go out and have fun, take final pictures, eat at my favorite places, say bye to people, and go to bars and drink legally while i still can.

i'm excited to go home... but it will be weird. things will be so different than what i've gotten used to here. but i am excited to see old faces!

just please be patient with me, you know me and i'll most likely be in a whirlwind of emotions. excitement to be back... but missing this city that has become my home.

long mom post

2005-11-08T12:36:44Z

i haven't talked about this in my journal for a while... but today i've been thinking about it since i woke up this morning...

today marks 16 months since my mom has been gone. 1 year and 4 months. and i'm still living. living in italy of all places. i never would have thought.

i haven't been thinking about her as much as i feel like i should be... or i would like to be even. maybe i'm trying to repress emotions while i'm out here. i'm trying so hard to enjoy the 3 months i have here, and escape everything that's been plaguing me at home, back in my "real world". that is a lot of the reason why i came on this trip in the first place. i wanted/needed to escape. to runaway. at least for a while. i still don't think i've realized just how much i've gone through in the past 2 years of my life. it's sad that i can't even remember much of my life before that. it brings me to tears.

it's almost been 2 years since Taylor took his life. and i remember that night that i found out. 2 years ago... damn. it seems like after that my entire life was an avalanche. Taylor in november, my mom in july, and Ann in september. since then distant aunts and uncles have gone, and it seems like things have plateaued in my life finally. but there is a constant fear in the back of my mind of, "what's next?"

being the 8th today, marking another month gone by without my mom, i wish there was something i could do. just to remember her. i would take her flowers if i were in montana. but i'm not. i'm stumped. i guess i'll just have to try to enjoy this day, along with the rest of my time here in florence. live it not only for me, but for her.

i would give anything in the world to talk to her right now. to hear her voice on the other end of the phone. to hear her say she's proud of me for being on this trip, living on my own, surviving, following through with this whole thing. i know she is though. it'd just be so different to actually hear it. and sometimes it kills me to think that if she were alive, she would have come here to florence to visit me in a heartbeat. and we would have had an amazing time. i would have shown her my life here, and she would be so impressed. she would have loved to meet the people and friends i've made on this trip. and see how much i'm growing and learning about myself. i would love to see her smile again and know that i was the cause of it.

2 of my roommates have had the pleasure of having their moms come out here to visit them, and numerous other people on the trip have had their parents come visit as well. i can't help but feel extremely jealous. but happy for them at the same time. i just hope that they appreciate what they have and enjoy every moment they've had to spend with them here.

and i'm now leaving to go to italian class while i don't feel well. i want something to make me smile. so i'll post a couple pictures that are the only ones i have right now of me with my mom... the good ol' days... even though she was sick...

even when she was sick she still loved her shopping!

those make me smile... and cry... and miss her to death.

i love you momma!

sickboysgurl55 @ 2005-11-07T17:48:00

2005-11-07T16:57:47Z

i only have 3 more weeks left here in italy. i can't believe how fast time has passed!

i finally sent out some postcards today... i'm sorry i'm so slow... i didn't get to send too many out, but pretty much if you sent me a letter, definitely expect something in the mail. hopefully it will reach you before i do!

i haven't updated in forever and a half... so i wouldn't even know where to start now...

ireland was absolutely amazing. i cannot wait to go back there. i decided one very important thing while i was there:
Ireland brings out the best in people.

i dont think we came across one rude person. everyone is so nice and kind and friendly. then scenery is gorgeous. and the boys... well, the boys are a whole other subject. i fell in love with too many irish boys that weekend.

we got back into florence just in time for halloween festivities that night. it was pretty fun. got dressed up with monica and headed out. the bars were making drinks especially strong that night, which i kinda liked cuz i didn't spend much money. long island iced teas are the way to go. (don't worry guys... i'm not coming home an alcoholic! just with a greater appreciation for bars.)

this past weekend a lot of people in our group traveled around and i actually stayed here in florence and chilled. it was a good weekend of just hanging out and watching sex in the city... which i am now officially addicted to. oi!

well i better jet, it's dark out at 6pm and i need to walk home and get some dinner at my favorite panini shop! mmmmm =) best sandwhiches in the WORLD!!! i'm gonna miss this place more than i can ever explain. i wish i could bring each and every one of my friends here to experience the city... and the country. whoever would like to do that, start saving up your money... cuz i'm definitely coming back here for some visits!!

love to you all! and see you guys soon!! <333